For people who have never talked about their sexual relationship with each other, it is doubly difficult because the first step in solving any sexual problem is acknowledging it and then trying to explore ways around it. Otherwise they may never discover what their partner really wants or would like to try.

People with a same-sex partner say that they make that choice because your own gender knows instinctively what you need. Now while inside information might be a big advantage, there is no substitute for communication. That means telling your partner (whatever their gender) what works for you. What can be really confusing is that your turn-on may differ from day to day, hour to hour or even minute to minute. What felt great last night might leave you cold this morning, so unless you give a few cues (a simple ‘yes’ in the right tone will often do the trick), even the most compassionate partner will be left wondering. ‘Slower’/'faster/’lighter’/'harder’ wow, where did you learn that?’ can all be added to the repertoire as you go. Even if you don’t feel like talking at the time, moving your partner’s hand to the right spot can get the message across.

By the same token, whatever your partner’s gender or previous experience, you cannot expect them to have an innate knowledge of your unique sexual needs. For your partner to discover those needs takes time and experimenting but telling them what feels good is a great short-cut.

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