Affairs are said to be increasingly common, though all the statistics about their prevalence are misleading because affairs tend to be under-reported in surveys. The impression of clinicians working in this field, however, is that women are as likely, or nearly as likely, as men to be, or to have been, in such relationships and that possibly by the age of, say, fifty-five around
three-quarters of married individuals will have been involved in one or more affairs, although they may not have gone as far as intercourse. In fantasy, if not in fact, virtually everyone will have had several.
A few people find a kind of sexual refuge in marriage and have little practical sexual interest in other members, of the opposite sex, but for most marriage does not reduce the attraction of others. This attraction may be expressed only in fantasy, friendship, or mild flirtation with limited sexual aims, but it is still there. A few immature people are incapable of making serious attempts at sexual commitment in any relationship, and so affairs continue regardless of marriage. Some people, by divorce and remarriage, perhaps several times, ‘legalise’ their affairs in a way that would not really have been possible in the past, except for rather special cases such as Henry VIII.
A few couples who feel they cannot tolerate the sexual restrictions of marriage reach an agreement which specifies that extra-marital relationships are acceptable provided that the partner be informed, although many people are inclined towards the opposite in that they do not mind their partner having such a relationship as long as they do not know of it. Either way, it is perhaps a better alternative to repeated divorce, especially if the individuals believe that their relationship is worth preserving.
Today, the true mistress or lover is a rare creature but many men (and increasingly women) who find one sex partner for life insufficient, look outside marriage for variety. It is scarcely surprising that affairs are as common as they are in the absence of any culturally acceptable way of coping with a need for sexual adventure, given that so many couples are reluctant or unable to increase the amount of sexual adventure in their relationships. The ‘hole-in-the-corner affair’ is intrinsically dishonest because of the deception it involves. Such deception, especially if maintained over a long period, must destroy something in the marriage. Whatever some people may wish, most individuals find it impossible to sustain a solely one-to-one relationship for the whole of their (increasingly long) married lives, but so far society has not found a better way of coping with this reality other than the rather shabby system that is reluctantly accepted today.
For most people an affair is simply an adventure and is never meant to replace their marital relationship — in fact, most individuals involved in an affair, when asked, say that they want both the new partner and their spouse. Of course a few of those having affairs are on the look-out for new partners because of underlying dissatisfaction with their marriages or they even hope to find their ideal.
This puts the finger on the real difficulty. In our culture marriage carries the implication, and even the promise that the relationship will be sexually exclusive. In an age of efficient contraception old objections about reproduction (and inheritance) confusion which could result from extra-marital sex have lost some of their validity. Increasingly marriage is being seen as a relationship which does not necessarily confer exclusive ownership rights on the partners and this freedom to ‘be oneself emotionally and in other ways has brought with it the dangers of too much sexual openness. This may well change as AIDS affects us all.
A related aspect is the view that if a man marries a woman she has the right to be maintained by him for the rest of her life, regardless of separation or divorce. Views on this are also slowly changing. Although many people will find these changes unacceptable for themselves and will try to run their marriage on traditional lines, which is fine if they have a like-minded partner, the changes in attitude which are now occurring could actually strengthen marriage as an institution because extra-marital sex would not be seen as a mortal blow to the relationship. In the past such an event often meant that the marriage was brought to an end by the wronged partner. Greater toleration may be good for marriage overall.
Conventional attitudes are perhaps harmful in another way to some good marriages. Many people (especially women) are brought up with the belief that it is wrong to have sex with more than one member of the opposite sex. This leads to what is termed serial monogamy; that is, over a period of time a woman will have intercourse with several partners, abandoning one before starting with the next. Combined with the belief that you can have intercourse only with someone you love this paves the way for unnecessary divorce.
The motives lying behind affairs are many. They include the search for ideal love, sex or romance; curiosity, especially in those who had little or no experience before marriage; confirmation of attractiveness in women or masculinity in men; poor sexual self-esteem for whatever cause; sexual boredom; experimentation; revenge on the partner (even if the affair is not made known to him or her); the sudden opportunity to fulfil a fantasy; and testing to see if a sexual problem in the marital relationship is due to the partner or oneself. Promiscuity as such is not a frequent cause although an unfilled sexual need is commonplace. Travel, holidays, being away from home ground, alcohol and parties all have the potential for leading to affairs, but these are often brief. With increasing numbers of women working there are more opportunities for intimacy with the opposite sex to occur.
More permanent affairs are a greater threat to marriage because of the possibility that the relationship could become more than sexual and might turn into a full-blown love-affair. Here, a woman, to reduce her guilt about her sexual activities, often emphasises the love aspect of the relationship and, if she believes (as is common) that it is possible to love only one person, then divorce may be the end result. In such cases the original relationship (or relationships if both are married) may be destroyed, only to be replaced by one which is not much better and may even be worse. If both parties were to make their intentions clear to each other at the start of the affair such situations could often be avoided. In these circumstances men may mislead women by initially displaying more emotion than they really feel so as to get them to agree to sex and women may mislead men by behaving more sexually than they really feel so as to establish an emotional relationship. As in most facets of man-woman relationships, greater honesty between the sexes could avoid unhappy outcomes.
Most affairs are probably kept secret, unless they are discovered, and the realisation that the marital partner may be involved in an affair can lead to destructive suspiciousness even in a good relationship. In some instances, however, a partner who cannot have intercourse for one reason or another may, out of consideration, urge the other to have an extra-marital relationship. In other instances the reason is sexual weariness with one partner on the part of the other; an attempt to reduce guilt about having had an affair; the desire on the part of one partner thus to obtain justification for an affair they intend; or, occasionally, to have the partner reveal in minute detail what happened as a form of vicarious sexual pleasure.
More uncommonly, one partner wants to be present and participate as an additional stimulation. This leads to troilism in which an additional man or woman may be added to the couple’s sexual relationship. A man, for example, may be aroused by watching his wife undertake lesbian acts with another woman, and may then want to have intercourse with them both. However, sometimes it is the wife who enjoys watching her husband have sex with another woman or vice versa.
An extension of this is into wife-swapping on a casual or permanent basis. This could be called a joint affair if it is permanent, since the husband and wife are both involved. Oddly, such openness can lead to jealousy; for example, the husband may become jealous because he believes, or even sees, that his wife is more sexually aroused by the other man than by him. It is not therefore surprising that ‘swinging’ as it is called, is in decline and is destructive to relationships. AIDS too has altered the picture.
For some people the very secrecy of an affair is part of its attraction — they say they find ‘naughty’ sex more satisfying than ‘legal’ sex. This is understandable because ‘naughty’ and ‘sex’ are notions which are commonly combined during childhood. It is also understandable in those who have been brought up in the belief that they will not be loved if they behave sexually. So they subsequently behave (with the person they love) in an inhibited way because of the fear that they will no longer be loved if they reveal their real sexual needs. For some people sex with a stranger is infinitely more gratifying, since they are more uninhibited.
Perhaps the biggest single dilemma facing the person who is having an affair is whether or not to tell. There are no easy answers to this but it is probably wise to err on the side of not telling. ‘Coming clean’ may make you feel good (or even ‘self-righteous’), but it can have a devastating effect on your partner who, especially if it comes as a surprise, may react more dramatically than you imagine. Some people tell in order to take revenge on their spouse or in an attempt to jolt them into better behaviour. As we have said, telling is rarely the best course. Few people really want their spouse, once told, to accept the situation with equanimity — simply because this would show that he or she does not care about the relationship.
A massive over-reaction with talk of divorce or even suicide is not uncommon and can permanently damage the relationship. Discretion, secrecy, lying and subterfuge then are the prices one has to pay to keep an affair from one’s spouse and for many these outweigh the advantages of the affair itself.
The discovery that one’s partner is, or has been, involved in an affair is usually a shattering blow — sometimes more to one’s self-esteem than anything else. However, calm discussion should reveal whether it resulted from a real dissatisfaction within the marriage or was simply an adventure. If it is the former, it may be an opportunity to sort the marriage out, perhaps with professional help; if it is the latter, there would seem to be little point in any extreme reaction.
Apart from the suspiciousness, jealousy, distrust, anger, divorce and unwanted pregnancy which may result from an affair, the most solid objection is probably that of sexually transmitted disease (STD). If everyone followed the traditional pattern of no sex before marriage and no sex with anyone else afterwards then STDs would die out in the heterosexual community.
For all the hurt and harm they can cause affairs continue now as in the past. Changing attitudes towards marriage and affairs, no matter how unacceptable to some, are, at least, one answer, even if not the complete one, to the problem of divorce. That the acceptance of affairs could reduce divorce is a total reversal of the traditional view of marriage but for some it works.
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